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The Jesus Inside

I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever;the Spirit of truth... you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

I remember the afternoon my husband came home from work and told us we were moving. We had been married about two years and had done a lot of painting and remodeling of our house already. We had drawn up plans for a deck and a porch, we had planted fruit trees and bushes in the backyard, we had begun dreaming of raising our children here. Why would he think of moving? Where would we go anyway? 

This scene has played itself out dozens of times since we've been married:  promotion, a new school, a better business opportunity, a big purchase, a new friendship--have all put us in the middle of making big decisions with our lives. And it seems that about half those times, my choice is the opposite of what my husband has decided. 

Many times I have wanted to put my foot down and yell at my husband "No way! No way …
Recent posts

Keeping It Clean

Growing up I had prided myself in being super organized. My weekly planners were color-coded with my class schedules, my exam dates, my extra-curricular activities, and my homework assignments. My textbooks were bookmarked, dog-eared, and highlighted. My desk was tidy. My backpack was perfectly filled with every kind of school tool needed, each in its appropriate place. 

When I got married, I couldn't wait to apply all my talent to my new home, my new life, and my new husband. I dove in, even before our wedding day, to sort and organize items in my future home. I was going to be the best organized new bride ever!

But even before my wedding dress was hung up and the wedding gifts put away, I had a problem. My new husband did not share my love for all things tidy. In fact, he preferred--no, he seemed to thrive-- in a disorganized environment. He had ongoing, half-finished projects in every room. He had piles of supplies "just in case" in the garage and in his car. Wherever h…

Unexpected Journeys

As I went to pull the handle on the fridge door today, I took a step back and chuckled.  I used to be so organized and neat.  I never thought I'd see the day when little scribbled drawings would fill the front of my fridge.  I used to be independent and travel solo through my life.  I never thought a little person who looked so much like me would be exerting her own will over the decisions in my life (like going swimming instead of washing the dishes.) 

Oh how much I fretted and worried about deciding to have this little person. How much I wondered if I was ready. How sick I was my entire pregnancy and how long and hard her delivery was. How many gray hairs and stretch marks I now have.

And now here she is, and I would not trade a moment of it for anything else. 

Many aspects of my life, like this one, turned out much differently than I expected. Much differently than I had even dreamed or hoped. They turned out better. Even after the heartache, the tragedy, and the grief, there is …

Watching Sunsets

Earlier in the spring, I sat back in my lounge chair in the backyard and watched as the sun set. The sky was alive with pinks and purples and oranges on one side and with the first sparkles of starlight on the other. I snuggled into my warm hoodie and enjoyed the cool, evening breeze on my face. I wondered why I didn't do this more often. Why I didn't simply allow myself to enjoy these fleeting moments of time that I so thoroughly enjoy. I love being outside. I love this time of day. I love chilly weather and warm sweaters. I love silence and looking up at the sky. It fills my soul and refreshes my mind. 
Later in the spring, my husband and I hosted a Memorial Day cook-out. The kids running after our dog with sand, and watermelon, and ice-cream on their faces. Babies snuggling with their moms on blankets. The men hooting and hollering at each other during lawn games. The women chatting and laughing and sharing photos. The house and yard were full, and so was my heart. This is w…

Searching for Prince Charming

I am a product of my generation. My childhood consisted of princesses singing about their longing for the perfect prince and pining away the hours until they met him. He was the one who promised to take them away from it all: from their overbearing families, their responsibilities, their boring lives. He promised to usher them into a lifetime of carefree days and romantic nights. He was the answer to everything their hearts desired. 
My young adult years have consisted of the same plot line, only now it's romantic comedies and Jane Eyre. 
And now I am married to my own prince. He is kind, strong, and handsome. But he isn't the answer to all my longings. He did whisk me away from my family, but I have more responsibilities now than ever. And my life is certainly far from boring, but not in the way I had expected.
I have met dozens of women who seem to be in this same predicament. Their husbands aren't Prince Charming. He is insensitive to her feelings, he refuses to grow up, h…

Let's Talk About Sex...Again

My wedding night was going to be the best night of my marriage. Romantic, passionate, and full of wonder. I had been dreaming about it my whole adult life.  

I had made it to my wedding day physically pure, which I thought was the ultimate goal of a Christian woman. What I hadn't been taught was that I would still have to deal with emotional and physical obstacles. Even though we were now married, I struggled with feeling dirty and ashamed around my husband. I struggled with physical pain, with frustration, with disappointment. 
I had spent most of my life being consciously or subconsciously taught that leaving certain parts of my body uncovered would cause little boys and later guys and men to, at best, be distracted by my body, and at worse to take it as an invitation for something more. Sex education classes in school, advertisers on TV, well-meaning family, and everyone within my Christian circles had taught me that my body parts were somehow dirty, shameful, and sinful. 

So as a…

Let's Talk About Sex

I first published this post in January of 2012. Our daughter hadn't even been conceived yet, I had just started writing, and my husband had just started his business. Still the stresses of life haven't changed much and things still hold true for our marriage 5 years later. 

One of the babies I watch cried all day today--literally, all day--stopping only for 10 minutes to drink her bottle and for another 10 minutes when I was singing "Old McDonald". We don't have a washer and dryer, so I took 6 loads of laundry one at a time, by foot, to the laundromat on the complex.  I started at 8 this morning and I am still drying clothes. While I was making tea this morning, my one small pleasure during the day, my teapot caught on fire--yes, I didn't know they could do that either.  There is still a bed full of clothes to fold, dinner to make, dog poop to clean off the patio, and baby spit-up in my hair.  I'm exhausted.
But when my husband comes through the door later …