I fear to write all my experiences because I know my readers are varied in their theological beliefs. But I have also searched Scripture, and with my limited Bible college background, I have found that all my experiences fall into what God has done in his word both in the Old and New Testaments. So certain things I write may not fall into your scope of belief, but I fully believe they fall into everything God is and has been.
I had no idea when this all started, how much I was going to learn about myself, about the God I love, and about my family and friends.
Weeks later I found myself in the middle of a church service in another state with only my father-in-law nearby. I could feel my heart start racing, so I tried to get up to the bathroom so I wouldn't make a scene. But I couldn't move. I whispered to my father-in-law that I wasn't feeling well and he started to pray quietly for me. In a few minutes, I had a group of ladies including the host of the church event praying and singing over me. In that moment, I went from hyperventilating to outright sobbing. I couldn't hold back the tears even though I was trying so hard not to make a scene. It felt like my body was completely out of my control...in a good way. I could feel God's love all around me like a thick blanket, soothing and comforting. I could feel the motherly strength of all the women who surrounded and were caring for me, a complete stranger. They spoke encouraging and emboldening words to me in soft tones. They assured me I was not alone, and I could hear the Holy Spirit agreeing with them in my heart. I just kept sobbing. I felt like a dam of emotions I had been holding back for so long had finally been released by God, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had no other choice but to sit there and take it. I felt ambushed by the Lord, taken hostage in a glorious, divine bear-hug that wouldn't let me go. I don't know how much time went by, maybe an hour, until I calmed down and felt myself again. I felt freer than I had in a long time.
The following night, I was still at my in-laws' home, when I was again awakened in the middle of the night with an attack. Since I couldn't talk or move, my only option was to use the strength I had left to dial their home number and pray they answered. They did and seemed to instinctively know something was wrong without my having to say much. They came downstairs and started praying for me. I was so weak and frustrated that this was happening again, that I curled up on the bed and cried. So my mom-in-law bent over and hugged and rocked me like a little child. That's when, once again, the tears turned from tears of fear to tears of overwhelming love. In her motherly embrace, I felt God's love as I had the previous evening. I found myself uncontrollably sobbing again, with the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart "You are not alone. You are my precious daughter." In that moment, I understood that my in-laws not only put up with me as their son's wife, but truly loved me as their own daughter. It was a moment of vulnerability and freedom. Even as I soaked her and myself with snot and tears, I felt loved by them, and knew without a doubt that their love was real.
Bear with me, because a similar scene happened three more times! Each time with someone different.
1.) With my husband on our bed as we decided whether or not to call an ambulance yet again. I told him I just wanted him to stay with me for a little while because I was scared, and he did and I just sobbed as he held me and spoke to me. It was the first time in a long time I had cried in front of my husband and in that, something released in me. I felt free to be myself in front of him in a way I had never been before.
2.) In my church service, when the pastor had a word that there were people in the crowd who were sick physically and God wanted to heal them. I raised my hand, and had 3 lovely women my age pray for me. As their words hit my ears, I couldn't stop sobbing again. Their words were about the loneliness I was feeling and that God was taking away that loneliness. I felt something in my abdomen physically release and I felt like I could breathe again. In my spirit, I felt the loneliness leave and give way to more freedom.
3.) In my living room as I worshiped alone, I had a vision of 2 angels I was trying to talk with, but the mental fog and weakness in my physical body was keeping me from doing that. In my vision, I told them I had to talk to them later because I didn't feel well. So instead of leaving, they embraced me and began praying for me. I found myself in my vision sobbing on the floor while the female angel held me like a child and the other wrapped his arms around us both. I was also crying physically. I was so beautifully overwhelmed by their kindness and love, and couldn't believe God would love me so much to send angels to pray for me!
In every sob session, I was overcome with a different facet of God's love. In each one, I could hear the Holy Spirit clearly telling me how precious and loved I was and for the first time I believed it. He was taking me on a journey and there was still a lot more to learn!