Skip to main content

Two Becoming One

All I knew was my husband wasn't living up to my expectations.

I started questioning his motives and intentions. Every action he took or didn't take seemed like a personal attack. 

"He left his socks on the floor just to spite me." 
"He forgot to text me from work because someone else was on his mind." 
"He didn't want intimacy tonight because he doesn't like me anymore."

Then I started to distance myself emotionally from my husband. If he was in the house, I would only give him passive-aggressive hints about how he had disappointed me that day or I'd give him the cold shoulder, expecting him to know what he had done wrong.

I could only see things from my perspective. I could only see how my husband's actions were affecting me. I could only see my unfulfilled dreams and shattered expectations. I only knew my hurt and my pain. I was so trapped inside my own thoughts I couldn't see how my thoughts and actions were affecting my husband. I expected him to make me happy and be the amazing man I had always dreamed he'd be. 

And what man wants to come home to that? Even the Bible says: 

It is better to live on a corner of the roof than to share the house with a nagging wife
Proverbs 21:9

He saw an angry and distanced woman and stayed away. I saw an insensitive man and wanted to punish him for it. Both of us were hurting, but each was too hurt and proud to let the other one know it.

Then one day, a friend painted for us a large, beautiful canvas that symbolized our unity and told our story--something I had never thought about before. We were a family, we had a history, and we had a beautiful future that was ours to create. Why had I been trying to run away from that for so long?

This was the first time I remember ever seeing my husband and I as a unit, as a family, as a team. I no longer saw us as two single people who were married or two adults who shared a house and a kid. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my mind. I had a "duh!" moment. 

The change in my heart was dramatic. All the things that my husband did that used to drive me nuts no longer did. In fact, it was the opposite. I saw the socks on the floor and instead of a mess I saw the man who came home tired each night to provide for us. Instead of a cold, distant husband I saw a man who was struggling with his own issues, with worries, and fears that he had no one else to share with. I had been so blinded by my own fears that I couldn't see that he was fighting a losing battle with his own insecurities and with feeling he could never measure up to the world, his boss, his family, and now even his wife. 

But the walls around my heart had been torn down. I opened up to him and shared my fears. But most importantly I shared that I wasn't angry at him, that he was not my enemy, that anything I had held against him was gone and was not going to be coming back. God had done a complete heart-transplant on me towards my husband. And what God does, no one can undo (Isaiah 22:22). 

This moment came after nearly a year and a half of struggle with my own thoughts about leaving my husband. It came after months of prayer and advice from mentors.  It came after allowing friends and family to speak hard truths into my life and allowing the Lord to change me, instead of praying for him to change my husband. 

Marriage, after all, is His idea and was from the beginning, and not just a hum-drum marriage, but a marriage that's deeper and richer and sweeter than anything I could have ever imagined for myself. 


Popular posts from this blog

Praying For My Other Half

Something happened in one of our friend's lives recently that made me stop and consider how quickly life can change forever. It also made me realize that sometimes all that stands between our loved ones and a tragedy is our prayers. 
So my heart has been turning over the subject of prayer since then and most specifically prayer for my husband. It seems that I pray for everyone who asks-- close friends, strangers, and missions groups in far away countries. But my husband, the one human whom I share a child, a bed, and a life with, hardly gets any prayer attention. When he does, it's because I'm upset and am asking the Lord to change him. 
I want to change that. I want to become a woman who prays for the most important and probably longest relationship of my life. 
So I went online and found some other women who were also doing the same thing and found some resources to help me stay in prayer for my husband. 
The Better Mom blog has printable cards for 31 days of prayer for my …

Free from Guilt

A couple of friends and I have had conversations this week about the thing that seems to plague all women most of the time...guilt.

I feel guilty about standing my ground when I know I'm right. What if I hurt the other person's feelings? 
I feel guilty about honestly saying no when I don't want to do something.  What if I'm just being selfish?
I feel guilty about not attending every birthday or wedding I'm invited to. Or accepting every friend request on social media. Or volunteering for every empty spot on the church help list. 
I feel guilty about buying myself a new shirt. Or a new book. Because maybe that money could be used for something more important. 
I feel guilty for just wanting to be alone--a lot--instead of out partying it up with people. 
I feel guilty for sitting my kid in front of the TV for a few minutes while I write this. 
I feel guilty for just wanting a foot rub at the end of the day, and not a steamy evening of romance.

I feel guilty that I haven'…

Unexpected Lessons

Since I'm taking a break from writing this week, I was looking back through my blog archive and found this one from 2012. 

When I was single, I had never had a budget. I had never saved away in an account. I never felt I needed to. I made sure all my bills were paid and appointments were made and that seemed to be enough. 

I never understood why a couple would want to get a divorce over something as intangible as money. It didn't seem like such a complicated thing. 

After all, now that I'm married, life should be better with two incomes, right? That means twice the money to spend as we please. Right?

Not exactly. 

There are two vehicles, two mouths, and two very different ways of looking at finances. Not to mention four hands pulling out of one bank account.  The car needs new tires, the furnace stopped working, and I need a wedding present for a friend this weekend. But the mortgage is due, the phone bill is due, and that parking ticket still needs to be paid.

We have felt the…