Skip to main content

Let's Talk About Sex...Again


My wedding night was going to be the best night of my marriage. Romantic, passionate, and full of wonder. I had been dreaming about it my whole adult life.  

I had made it to my wedding day physically pure, which I thought was the ultimate goal of a Christian woman. What I hadn't been taught was that I would still have to deal with emotional and physical obstacles. Even though we were now married, I struggled with feeling dirty and ashamed around my husband. I struggled with physical pain, with frustration, with disappointment. 

I had spent most of my life being consciously or subconsciously taught that leaving certain parts of my body uncovered would cause little boys and later guys and men to, at best, be distracted by my body, and at worse to take it as an invitation for something more. Sex education classes in school, advertisers on TV, well-meaning family, and everyone within my Christian circles had taught me that my body parts were somehow dirty, shameful, and sinful. 

So as a young woman that wanted to serve the Lord, I spent my teenage and young adult years doing my best to be "un-sexy." I was careful not to lead any guy on. I avoided wearing dresses and shorts. I rarely spoke of my feelings or even gave a clue that I thought any guy was cute. I kept my body, my mind, and my heart to myself. Because God forbid anyone should know that inside this intellectual shell was a woman that was actually attracted to the opposite gender! 

But hey, my wedding day would change all that, right? I thought somehow, getting married would suddenly make me the greatest lover ever. But it was the greatest disappointment ever when I didn't become that awesome woman overnight. 

After a few years of wondering what was wrong with me as a new wife, I started to look for answers.  I read books, talked to older women, took courses, and did a lot of soul-searching with the Lord. I had to learn to ignore the voices in my head telling me I was dirty, or sex was dirty, or my husband didn't like my dirty body, and to replace them with truth:

God made our bodies to be good, not evil. 

  • Genesis 2:25: They were both naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed. God originally made mankind without clothing, in fact without fur or feathers like the animals, and they walked around just fine with the Lord. (Clothing came when sin entered the picture.) 
  • Genesis 1:26: Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness." How awesome is that? If we resemble our Father, who is perfect, than we must be good stuff too!
  • Psalm 139:14: I thank you because I am awesomely madewonderfullyyour works are wonders — I know this very well.

God created sex; the enemy did not. 

  • Genesis 9:7: Be fruitful and increase in number, and multiply on the earth and increase upon it.
  • Song of Songs 1:1: Let him smother me with kisses from his mouth, for your love is better than wine. All of Song of Songs paints an amazing picture of physical and emotional love. 

It has taken several years to become comfortable around my husband. Several years for God's truth to seep down and change my mind and heart. Learning that sex is a beautiful thing and that my body is beautiful has given me a new freedom in my marriage. And the best part is that it was all God's idea to begin with! 




Comments

Marissa Wilson said…
I've followed your blog for a couple years but don't usually post comments. I've enjoyed reading practical advice about God's intent for marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now and it's been quite the journey! Having grown up as a Christian I agree that the transition from "don't look at my body" to "ok here is everything, take it" is somewhat difficult. During our premarital counseling, our pastor required us to read 'The Act of Marriage' by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. It was so helpful! I want to go back and read it again.
Thanks for posting helpful advice! :)
Marissa
Sarah Heath said…
Hello Marissa! Congratulations (and happy-soon-to-be-1st-anniversary!)

I'll have to buy and listen to your book recommendation (I do a lot more "reading" on Audible these days with a little one around) It's good to see it's a tag-team book by a husband and wife!

I'm currently reading "Sheet Music" by Kevin Leman, and oh how I wish I had read his book before I got engaged! He speaks specifically to virgins and gives practical, step-by-step advice for both men and women for the wedding night. I haven't found another book quite like it.

Thanks for reading the blog! Many blessings to you on your new journey in life!
Cay said…
Both books are excellent!

Popular posts from this blog

Two Becoming One

All I knew was my husband wasn't living up to my expectations.

I started questioning his motives and intentions. Every action he took or didn't take seemed like a personal attack. 

"He left his socks on the floor just to spite me." 
"He forgot to text me from work because someone else was on his mind." 
"He didn't want intimacy tonight because he doesn't like me anymore."

Then I started to distance myself emotionally from my husband. If he was in the house, I would only give him passive-aggressive hints about how he had disappointed me that day or I'd give him the cold shoulder, expecting him to know what he had done wrong.
I could only see things from my perspective. I could only see how my husband's actions were affecting me. I could only see my unfulfilled dreams and shattered expectations. I only knew my hurt and my pain. I was so trapped inside my own thoughts I couldn't see how my thoughts and actions were affecting my husband.…

Let's Talk About Sex

I first published this post in January of 2012. Our daughter hadn't even been conceived yet, I had just started writing, and my husband had just started his business. Still the stresses of life haven't changed much and things still hold true for our marriage 5 years later. 

One of the babies I watch cried all day today--literally, all day--stopping only for 10 minutes to drink her bottle and for another 10 minutes when I was singing "Old McDonald". We don't have a washer and dryer, so I took 6 loads of laundry one at a time, by foot, to the laundromat on the complex.  I started at 8 this morning and I am still drying clothes. While I was making tea this morning, my one small pleasure during the day, my teapot caught on fire--yes, I didn't know they could do that either.  There is still a bed full of clothes to fold, dinner to make, dog poop to clean off the patio, and baby spit-up in my hair.  I'm exhausted.
But when my husband comes through the door later …

Tall, Dark, and Handsome

Me: "What's your type?"

Him: "Whad'ya mean 'type'?"

Me: "You know...type. Everyone has one. Do you prefer a blonde, a brunette, a ginger? Athletic? Short or tall? Quiet or talkative? Artistic or nerdy?"

This was the conversation my husband and I had on a long car ride once. A lot of laughter ensued, as well as a few new realizations.

I discovered, much to my relief and amazement, that I was indeed my husband's "type"--dark eyes, olive skin, and, ahem...curves. And to his surprise and amazement, he found that physically, he's not my "type" at all. Not to say I don't find my husband physically attractive--I think he's a total hottie!--but it's just that his build and features were not what I would have looked for when I was dating. 

Him: "So what is your type, then?"

Me: "Honestly? Um...ok, I got it. Think Hugh Jackman in the Wolverine movies. Dark, broad-shouldered, mysterious."

Him: &quo…