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Showing posts from June, 2017

The Longing

The breeze blowing the first leaves of fall off the trees overhead. The mighty roar of the waterfall just feet away from me. The cold water swirling around my feet. I sat and breathed in the beauty of the walls of green all around me. My heart was filled with the presence of such an amazing Creator and I was at peace. 
But along with the joy of this moment was another familiar feeling...

Sadness?

Sorrow?

Loneliness?

But how? I was sharing a moment with the most perfect of all Beings and yet I was lonely? How can that be?

I wished that my husband could be enjoying this moment with me. But I knew that even if he was here, I'd still be lonely. I'd want my best girlfriend with me. All my girlfriends.  I'd want their spouses and children with me. I'd want complete strangers to share this moment with me.

If I start to think about it, I always feel lonely. Even in the midst of worship at my church, or dinner with my family, or in a crowded festival, I feel lonely.

I long for companio…

The Jesus Inside

I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever;the Spirit of truth... you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

I remember the afternoon my husband came home from work and told us we were moving. We had been married about two years and had done a lot of painting and remodeling of our house already. We had drawn up plans for a deck and a porch, we had planted fruit trees and bushes in the backyard, we had begun dreaming of raising our children here. Why would he think of moving? Where would we go anyway? 

This scene has played itself out dozens of times since we've been married:  promotion, a new school, a better business opportunity, a big purchase, a new friendship--have all put us in the middle of making big decisions with our lives. And it seems that about half those times, my choice is the opposite of what my husband has decided. 

Many times I have wanted to put my foot down and yell at my husband "No way! No way …

Keeping It Clean

Growing up I had prided myself in being super organized. My weekly planners were color-coded with my class schedules, my exam dates, my extra-curricular activities, and my homework assignments. My textbooks were bookmarked, dog-eared, and highlighted. My desk was tidy. My backpack was perfectly filled with every kind of school tool needed, each in its appropriate place. 

When I got married, I couldn't wait to apply all my talent to my new home, my new life, and my new husband. I dove in, even before our wedding day, to sort and organize items in my future home. I was going to be the best organized new bride ever!

But even before my wedding dress was hung up and the wedding gifts put away, I had a problem. My new husband did not share my love for all things tidy. In fact, he preferred--no, he seemed to thrive-- in a disorganized environment. He had ongoing, half-finished projects in every room. He had piles of supplies "just in case" in the garage and in his car. Wherever h…

Unexpected Journeys

As I went to pull the handle on the fridge door today, I took a step back and chuckled.  I used to be so organized and neat.  I never thought I'd see the day when little scribbled drawings would fill the front of my fridge.  I used to be independent and travel solo through my life.  I never thought a little person who looked so much like me would be exerting her own will over the decisions in my life (like going swimming instead of washing the dishes.) 

Oh how much I fretted and worried about deciding to have this little person. How much I wondered if I was ready. How sick I was my entire pregnancy and how long and hard her delivery was. How many gray hairs and stretch marks I now have.

And now here she is, and I would not trade a moment of it for anything else. 

Many aspects of my life, like this one, turned out much differently than I expected. Much differently than I had even dreamed or hoped. They turned out better. Even after the heartache, the tragedy, and the grief, there is …

Watching Sunsets

Earlier in the spring, I sat back in my lounge chair in the backyard and watched as the sun set. The sky was alive with pinks and purples and oranges on one side and with the first sparkles of starlight on the other. I snuggled into my warm hoodie and enjoyed the cool, evening breeze on my face. I wondered why I didn't do this more often. Why I didn't simply allow myself to enjoy these fleeting moments of time that I so thoroughly enjoy. I love being outside. I love this time of day. I love chilly weather and warm sweaters. I love silence and looking up at the sky. It fills my soul and refreshes my mind. 
Later in the spring, my husband and I hosted a Memorial Day cook-out. The kids running after our dog with sand, and watermelon, and ice-cream on their faces. Babies snuggling with their moms on blankets. The men hooting and hollering at each other during lawn games. The women chatting and laughing and sharing photos. The house and yard were full, and so was my heart. This is w…