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Showing posts from March, 2012


Babies have been the topic of conversation between Joseph and I recently, I'm guessing for a number of reasons. The first being that we are finally coming to a place of healing about the stillbirth of our own baby. The second being that she would have been one year old this week. The third, that so many of our friends are having babies. Fourth, that we just celebrated 2 years of marriage and Joseph's business is doing well, (which were the 2 things I asked him for before having children). And fifth, is that we are surrounded by the babies I care for every day. So no matter where we turn, there is a shower, a dedication, a toy, or a movie that reminds us of babies and gets me sobbing like one, sometimes for joy and sometimes for sadness.

But despite the fact that Joseph and I really want kids, my heart is in a tug-of-war about my having my own. I adore children and youth, have worked with them in some capacity since I was 12, went to school to learn how to better minister to th…

Evening on the Dock

I remember sitting on the dock on the lake right after the last rays of the sun had set, chatting quietly with my friend and mentor while new counselors were being initiated by the giant zipline that crossed the lake. We chuckled as we heard the whoops and short bursts of screams as one by one the counselors leapt off the giant wall and zoomed across the lake, only one glow-stick shining where each of them was located.

As the evening went on, and stars came out one by one, our chat got more serious and more deep, as we talked about life, love, relationships, and future dreams. She was older than me by only 10 years, but she had 3 home-schooled children and a remarkable marriage. She was quiet and gentle, loving and graceful--every bit the woman I wanted to be. I often caught her disciplining her youngest in a very tender way, while I was shouting and impatient with my own campers. Even when her husband worked some long hours, she didn't demand he give her his attention. By doing s…

Man, I Feel Like a Woman

Joseph and I were in Wisconsin a month ago, spending some time with his oldest brother and his wife, my brother and sister-in-law, and getting some work done on their house. Joseph did most of the work during the week, so I got to take walks, read, and write--a few things I haven't gotten to do in some time.

I was amazed, and not in a good way, at how much of my own likes, hobbies, and little pleasures had gotten left behind when I got married. And it's not just me, Joseph too. His brother mentioned whether Joseph was allowed to skateboard anymore now that he was married. Ofcourse he is! I wish he would skateboard more! The guy I met would skateboard all the time; I think the guy I married has done it twice since we've been married.

And as for me, well I haven't been near as active as I used to, and I feel that taking it's toll on my energy and my waistline, and in turn my self-esteem. I used to give myself pedicures regularly, I used to shave more often, I used to …

When He Prays

Last night, as we were winding down for bed, Joseph pulled me close and laid my head on his chest and started praying--for us, for others, thanking the Lord for all his goodness. I closed my eyes and listened, both to his voice and to his heartbeat. It was a delightful moment, as I let go of the day and imagined the Lord holding us both in His arms. 

I love when Joseph prays. He has such a reverence for the Lord and such a tender heart to hear when the Lord is saying something.

Now, I love to pray too, especially for others. To dance. To sing. I love being alone with my Jesus and reading his word and blabbing on and on to him about how beautiful he is.  But there is something about when Joseph prays that is different. The atmosphere shifts when the head of the household takes my hands and speaks to the Lord. When I pray it is all loving and gentle. When he prays, the angels perk up, shake off their dust, and stand at attention. The head is speaking; the authority is giving command. Pa…

Bed, Bath, and Dancing

Joseph and I agree there are two things every couple should do before getting married:  put together a wedding registry and take dance lessons.  These two activities will force you to see what the other person is like and what you are like in everyday situations.

Two things we quickly found out as we headed to BB and B and they handed us our registry guns:  Joseph is a no-holds barred-it's-now-or-never-i-ain't-gonna-live-forever kind of person. He took that gun and started scanning everything he liked, regardless of price, size, or our need for it. I didn't scan a single item until we were about an hour into our visit. I wanted to walk through the whole store, check out my options, make a list of what we needed, and methodically check off each room of the house as we finished it. It was the first time our differing personalities were brought together to accomplish a task, and it wasn't pretty. I kept chiding Joseph for scanning stuff we didn't need and completely ov…

The Early Years

This month Joseph and I will be celebrating 2 years of marriage.  I think to us it has seemed like so much longer.  They have been the hardest and most exhausting couple of years either of us have ever lived.

Just the fact that we were able to go out this weekend, both by ourselves and then with friends, was a great achievement.  As we walked through the aisles of Lowe's, dreaming about the possibilities, and then got a little competitive on the disc golf course, we realized that it was a miracle that we could just enjoy a moment together.  We were healthy, we were tired but peaceful, and we didn't have any responsibilities, if only for a moment. 

The first year and a half of our marriage was all a blur and a rush of activity, work, and heartache.  We were several months behind on bills, we were working long hours, coming home, and rushing off to the next meeting, the next ministry, the next get-together.  We were providing boarding for a troubled teenage girl. We found out we…

Little Things

(This entry is from a draft I wrote a few weeks ago, and forgot to post on the blog...)
Last night, my wonderful husband came home with flowers and a movie, a box of chocolates, and a package of caramel popcorn. The best part was getting to cuddle and talk while the rain pattered on the patio.
The day before, we biked to the park and raced our friends' children around the playground. I felt like I was a kid again, and we biked back home tired but giggling.
About every week we have a Lowe's date and we walk hand in hand through the aisles and dream of things we'd like to put together in our place.
When we have an afternoon off, we take our dog and get some competition going playing frisbee golf.
When we don't want to go out, we make some tea or coffee, listen to some worship, or read aloud from whatever book we happen to have borrowed at the time.

It's nice to have these moments to write about in my journal. I spend enough time worrying about bills and work, stressing…